I am stranded somewhere between being pro-choice and pro-life. This is a tenuous position to be in, but there I am.

I had two unplanned pregnancies that ended in the light of my life and the breath in my prayers being born. The first pregnancy showed my husband being laid off from his job a little bit in, us having to scramble to find somewhere to live and some way to support ourselves. I won’t go into extreme detail as this is not a personal blog, but suffice it to say that we were strapped for cash, living hand to mouth, and bad off. Very bad off. The second pregnancy we were still in a transitory position when it came to housing. The husband was again without consistent work. Things were still hand to mouth (and still are). So when I see a statistic that says that over 90% of women who had abortions ascribed failure to provide for a child/pay for a pregnancy as their primary reason to abort, I sympathize.

It is terrifying to bring a child into this world, even more so when one asks “where is my next meal coming from” and “how much are diapers again?” Now add into that the physical and emotional rigors of childbearing, instability in intimate relationships- and what do you have? A cocktail for disaster. Any time I am asked I will be frank about the physical symptoms of pregnancy, the strain it puts on the father of the child as well as the mother, the fact that labor and delivery while not the end of the world are not easy. There is an insurmountable psychological impact to pregnancy and childbirth that MUST be observed.

That is why any time I hear someone say, “why can’t the woman just put the baby up for adoption” I cringe. Not to mention that women who are not Caucasian will have a harder time getting parents for their child, and women who have done drugs or drank alcohol before they were aware they were pregnant will also have a harder time finding a family for their child. Ask a poor black woman with no intimate family to afford her who innocently drank alcohol a few times before realizing she was pregnant to just “have the baby and give it up.” Have it? With whom footing the bills? And to whom shall she give it? The overburdened foster system? What if the baby has permanent defects from the alcohol? She’s got no way to know.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son my first thought was, “dear God just undo this.” I was in no emotional or economic shape to give birth to and take care of a child. I had no way to know if we’d have insurance to pay for my care, and we were still in the process of paying off our uninsured delivery of our first child. Have another baby? In my state? With the state of jobs in our area? With no home to live in? With no money to buy healthy food to eat?

There was no way that I would abort. I knew from the second I suspected a pregnancy that I loved this child- but part of the reason I DIDN’T want my child was my love for him. I didn’t want him brought into the kind of life we were struggling through.

And that is why I am pro-choice. Because unless YOU, YOU YOURSELF are willing to take a woman’s child into your own home and raise it yourself, you’ve no right to make that decision for her. Is the unborn child a real life, imbued with soul and breath? That is another thing to be argued about. But consider embryos that implant into a woman’s fallopian tubes. Those are aborted without a second thought, because there is no hope of them being viable. If the woman carries them past the first trimester she will die of internal bleeding. What about the amount of miscarriages that happen? Were all of those sacred life? And if so, why would God allow a God-fearing couple who desperately wants that child to endure such pain?

These are questions we MUST ask ourselves if we enter into the abortion debate. But the greatest question of all we must ask is whom shall we love? The unborn, or the struggling mother? Whom must we embrace? The unreachable, or she who stands outside our door? Whom must we pray for in whispers and moans? Those who are with Father God, or those who must remain on this planet, within our reach?

Ask yourself that. And ask yourself if you were with her, at her side, holding her hand, wiping her tears, and she simply could not bear the thought of bringing her child into this world of pain and distress- would you still judge?

Or would you land with me, somewhere in the gray land between choice and life, choosing to embrace the life that we can see and touch and bear with.

Everyone ends up in arguments.  Every personal relationship has it’s moments of extreme tension.  How we confront them and the way in which we cope afterwards says a lot about who we are, our maturity, and our ability to maintain intimacy overtime.  So how to approach conflict?  Here are a few things I’ve learned in six years of marriage:

1. Tell the person who hurt you that you are hurt.  The assumption that offense is known and acknowledged is a dangerous one.  No matter how intimate the relationship, your spouse, family and friends are not mind readers.  If there is pain, allow it to be exposed.  Be frank.  That is when healing is possible.
2. Acknowledge wrongdoing. If you bring up thing (A) and your spouse brings up thing (B) that you did to hurt them, stop.  Breathe.  Apologize.  A true and heartfelt apology will open the door for your own hurts to be dealt with and healed.  What is more important, that you immediately achieve recognition of your own pain, or that intimacy can continue?  Be willing to be wrong, and you will find your spouse (or friends, or family) willing to admit their wrongs to you, as well.
3. Deal with the fact that you only control yourself. You can’t force humbleness, you can’t evoke change, you can’t create better intimacy by requesting it from others.  The only one you can birth those things in is yourself.  If the most important thing is the continued relationship, you will have to make sacrifices.  If the only thing that matters is your own perceived needs…  You may just go on needing, forever.
4. Always use a soft tone. You may be angry.  You may be red-in-the-face screaming angry.  You may be throwing the chairs up against the wall angry.  But if you approach the conflict that way, you immediately put everyone else on the defensive.  Use a soft tone and a gentle touch.  “Demonstrations” of anger don’t have to be loud and rude.  Softly saying, “I am angry.  I cannot deal with (this) or (that) and I need you to hear me.” will allow for the conversation to grow.
5. Use personal language- don’t say “you did this, you did that, you hurt me.”  Say, “I was hurt when this or that happened.”  “I had a bad reaction to your words.”  “You may not have meant to hurt me by saying this or that, but I was hurt.”  Do not immediately place blame.  Speak sincerely about yourself and your feelings and needs, and allow an opportunity for the offending party to take blame.
6. Don’t bring in a third party- don’t immediately bring other people into your personal problems.  It may be tempting to call your mother before broaching a subject with your spouse, but if you do and then say, “mom said this about what you did” expect the fight to continue.  If you must call someone else for emotional support, leave them out of the discussion.  Your problems with your spouse or family should remain between you and the people involved.
7. Learn how to calm yourself down.  The heat of anger can be dangerous.  Figure out what calms you down, be it breathing slowly or cleaning or fishing or yardwork or painting or handling your Wii (gaming system, for the uninitiated), and if you feel yourself losing control- go do that thing-  BUT-  never just walk out on a conversation.  Tell your spouse (or friend, or family) what you are doing.  Say, “I really want to have this conversation, but if we keep talking right now I will say things to hurt you that we will both regret and be unable to unsay.  Is it okay if I take a few hours to do (this) or (that) and we can talk after?”  If you want to sweeten the deal, you could even say, “here, take this twenty and go see a movie or get dinner while I calm down.”  That way you both feel taken care of, and the discussion can take place over calmer waters.

So, this weekend, have a happy relationship!

No, I’m not talking about fantasy in a sci-fi/fantasy sense- I’m talking sex.

Is it wrong to fantasize?  Many women will admit to fantasies of being held, talked to, emotionally stimulated in some way.  They will admit that sometimes they dream about people they’ve met in passing.  Not necessarily always in a strictly sexual sense, sometimes it’s just about companionship.

But if we are Christian a question remains: is it sin?

Psychologically speaking fantasy is a “safe” way in which to engage in behaviors deemed “unsafe” in reality.  One knows one would pay a price for arguing with one’s mother, so one fantasizes.  One knows one isn’t ever going to date Edward Norton, so one fantasizes.  Fantasy can also be an exercise for certain things one is unsure of- and in this sense women have much more active fantasy lives then men.  Women tend to fantasize about the course of the day, how to interact with a boss, what to make for dinner.  Women tend to think about these things to a much greater extent than men.  It’s not a wonder we’re often seen as a “mystery” seeing as we spend such a large amount of time in our heads.  (And yes- I realize this is a gross generalization.  Some men operate this way and some women simply don’t.)

Yet, the question remains:  when it comes to sex, is it a sin?

Ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do you ever replace real interaction, necessary interaction, with fantasy? Are there times where you know you need to discuss something, and yet you don’t?  Where the anger/disatisfaction/desire you are feeling causes a rift in your relationship, and yet you continue to exorcise it with fantasy instead of interaction?
2. Do you find yourself unattracted to your mate and only stimulated by fantasy?  This is a major problem- and in this way fantasy can be as dangerous as pornography.
3. Does your fantasy life take you out of your daily life to the point that it’s an obstruction? You know the kids staring out of the window instead of listening in class?  Is this you in your job?  Your marriage?

Do you throw yourself into romance novels?  Soap operas?  Do you find yourself hurting and longing for something that you only achieve in fantasy?  While in small doses an argument can be made for the safeness and even health of fantasy, there’s a time when you need to embrace and appreciate reality.

Not to mention communication, communication, communication- perhaps if you tell your spouse that you fantasize about being spoken to in a certain way, held in a certain way, approached in a certain way, you’ll find that his eager to behave this way himself and fulfill you.

But- is it sin?  In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Where is your heart?  Is it with your spouse, your life?  Or have you given it to something unattainable, something that is only in your head?

How many women whose eyes will touch this post have benefitted, in some way, from Women’s Suffrage?  How many prize their right to vote, enjoy wearing blue jeans, are enamored of the fact that they can stay home with their babies or choose to continue careers or never have babies at all if they don’t want to?  How many feel stronger as a result of their rights?  Feel validated and taken care of by their country?

Every woman, I would hope.  Because the rights we all recieve as humans in a free society are one of God’s greatest gifts.  God gave us free will, and in America God’s gift of free will has been translated into free enterprise and civil rights.

Yet…  How many women reading this blog post also mourn the rigidity of marriage laws?  How many have a sister or a friend who loves another woman?  How many are women who themselves are in love with a person of the same gender?

My word of caution to all women who enjoy equity under the law is to not become complacent.  We, blessed as we are with our own rights, must not forsake the sisterhood.  Yes, there is a sisterhood.  There is shared knowledge and shared pain, there is shared desire and shared regret.  We are all one body as sisters under God and under the law.  We must stand together.  Even as Christians we must remember Christ’s call to love and not forsake the sisterhood of believers-

We are humanity.  We must muddle together through the dark of night and the quiet of unspoken bias.  Every woman who cherishes her rights under the law must turn to those who are not considered equal under laws elsewhere and those who are not considered equal here at home, and lift each other up.

Every time I see those two words beside each other in that order I wonder what in the world it means. “Unnatural Relations”. It implies, “relations that go against nature.” What is that? If you look at nature, like nature on a farm, you’ll see that nature seems to go for any relations it can get. Dogs will have sex with rubber balls, stuffed animals, a stray foot pointing out in a convenient direction, other male dogs or female dogs or whatever is convenient. Most animals are that way. They have a lust, they fulfill it.

In that way I’ve always thought of human sexuality as transcending “natural relations”, because we have made sex about more than fulfilling a lust or procreating. Sex, to me, is about two people learning to be one. It is about give and take, sacrifice and dominance, learning to be in control and out of it, giving of yourself and taking of another. That is far more than simply nature, it is a metaphor for all things real and spiritual. It is the dance of creation itself- not because it makes life but because it IS life.

So what is unnatural? Is it unnatural to have sex in a way that doesn’t lead to procreation? Is it a sin to use birth control? Is it a sin when a married and committed couple engage in mutual masturbation or anal sex? Where exactly is the line between natural and unnatural? Is the only holy sex that which is done in the dark with socks still on and both feeling a little embarrassed afterwards?

I really do wonder about these things. When someone tells me to beware of unnatural relations I always want to ask, “what defines natural?” That which is found in nature, that which is primal and crude, or is “unnatural” that which one simply finds distasteful?

Because in my opinion there are a lot of Christian couples that engage in distasteful relations. Maybe I’m still a bit of a heathen.

“So the church and state are separate… next thing you know they’ll be outlawing religion entirely.”

“So women want to vote… next thing you know they’ll have caucuses of crying babies.”

“So black people want civil rights… next thing you know we’ll be giving them to cattle.”

And on, and on, until, “so gay people want to get married. Next thing you know they’ll be marrying dogs.”

The sick and twisted irony of all of this is that the first one- outlawing religion- is one that is still felt oh so many years later. So I don’t doubt that when gay marriage inevitably is allowed, people will continue to fear that there will be framed marriage certificates reading “John Smith” is wed to “Fuzzy”- and it won’t be in an ironic sense.

There is a difference between redefining law and abolishing it completely. Saying that marriage can occur between two consenting adults of legal status instead of between any male and female of legal status is not the same as saying, “marriage is open! Call in the sheep! Anything goes!” Just as separating the church and state didn’t lead to the abolishment of Catholicism outright and women being able to vote doesn’t mean that ANYONE can and black people having equal rights doesn’t mean that dogs do, too.

I understand. It is uncomfortable thinking of law as fluid rather than rigid. The second we realize that law is fluid we start to feel the ground under our feet move. But we also have to understand that it is we as a society who define the land over which law flows. We, as a people, govern our nation. Remember that. So it is we as a people who can say, “okay, Jack and John but not John and Fido.”

And OUR word is law.

For people who believe that we as a society are evil I suppose that’s a scary thought. I, personally, don’t believe that I live in an evil society. Certainly there are problems and certainly there are times when I want to put a pillow over my head and sing myself to sleep, but ultimately I believe that given correct information, comfort, and enough time, all people are capable of doing the right thing. In this case I suppose I have a difference of opinion from a lot of Christians, because I believe the right thing is allowing people to be “affirmed” in their “sin”- but sin is a choice that we all can and do make, to varying impacts, every day. At least sin committed out of love has got one thing right: Love.

Just keep in mind that there is an insurmountable difference between two consenting adults who love each other wishing to be joined in a legally recognized and protected union, and having sexual relations with a beast. There is a difference, a huge difference. The difference is that any sane person can see that regardless of sex, affection between two humans is affection that can be returned in equal parts. Sex, as a result of affection, is not so different regardless of the genders engaging in it. And I do believe that most homosexuals do feel affection for their long-term partners. Sex with animals, on the other hand, is all about lust and control.

Homosexuality is NOT about lust and control.

If you, dear reader, disagree with me on that point I suppose there is no reason to continue the discussion. Just please, talk to a few gay people. Ask them about their hopes and dreams and expectations of life. Ask them the qualities they seek in a partner. See that aside from the gender issue, they aren’t so different from you and I.

Every time gay marriage is mentioned, someone eventually says something along the lines of:

“But think about the children!”

The nuclear family is eroding, family values are plummeting, one can only imagine how the next generation will turn out…

My inevitable response is, “yes, DO think of the children.”

Given the state of affairs in America, shouldn’t every single child that could have a loving family be placed with one? Shouldn’t gay people who want to be parents have that chance? What is better: that a child have no home, or two fathers? Personally, I believe that every family is flawed. Every parent has problems, every relationship has strain. It is impossible to raise a child in an environment where they will be exposed to no pain, no criticism by peers, no sin. There are going to be straight parents who fight and divorce, kids with two sets of parents, kids raised by people who are “less than seemly” to say it simply. Given that fact, I personally would say that anyone who loves a child and wants to raise it should be given the chance, assuming that there is no abuse or potential for deep harm.

I just don’t think that someone being gay is enough harm. What if the parent was straight, but a serial cheater? What if the parent was straight and left the mother of the child for a younger, sluttier model? Is modeling that behavior somehow WORSE than homosexuality?

So I say, please, DO think of the children. And ask yourself if the worst thing a parent does is love another person of the same gender, does that somehow disqualify them from parenthood? What if they love their kids, hold them when they can’t sleep at night, make them homecooked meals, send brownies to the teachers, do their homework with them, hem their pants, and also hold hands with another man? Does the last item make all of the others mean less?

I don’t think it does.

I feel really conflicted about abstinence only sex education.  I feel like young people, especially girls, should be educated about how best to protect their bodies and prevent unwanted pregnancy.  But I also realize the risks involved with sex and the fact that the only guarantee you won’t have a little seven pound “mistake” nine months later is abstinence.  After all- I myself conceived one child while on the pill and another through a diaphragm.  Those little nagging “.01″ percents do exist!

The biggest reason I dislike abstinence only education is that it does a disservice to all of the people out there who chose to abstain out of more than fear.  I believe that teaching abstinence is best is a good thing, but to cheapen sex itself and to make a mockery out of the choices kids should make is a bad thing.  By making it about fear, fear of pregnancy, fear of disease, misinformation in the name of safety… that’s just wrong. Kids shouldn’t make choices out of fear, and I truly believe that given all the right information in a supportive environment, most kids actually do have the ability to make good choices.

There are better reasons to wait to have sex than just fear.  For one, there’s the fact that there is a very clear line between virginity and sexuality.  Once sexuality is awoken, one can’t go back and see the world through virgin eyes.  I won’t go all Victorian on you and talk about the knowledge of the flesh, but there is a clear difference.  I can remember what it was like, to wonder about sex, to wonder about touching, to wonder how certain things would feel, what it would be like to be desired, all of those things.  Now that wonder is gone, and while I don’t miss it, I do think that I made the right choice by waiting for my husband.  There’s also the fact that since I did make the choice I did, I have no memory of being with someone else. My sexuality, in a very real way, belongs to my spouse.  He is the only man to see my adult body totally nude.  He is the only one who knows where to touch and what to say.  Our marriage bed is truly secret.

I don’t feel naive or somehow deprived, when I say that.  I feel proud.  I feel like I have managed something really miraculous, in preserving some of the old ways in my own life.  There is this feeling of sacredness and divinity that is so lost in our culture, in our world, and to be able to keep even a touch of it alive is so worthwhile.

To have sex with someone is to grant them access to your body.  That is not something that should ever be done lightly.  To have sex with someone is also to bond to them, in a way, because the body will form an appetite in a very real way.  Hormones play a game of catch and release, and once your body learns to desire it won’t stop doing so.  In a marriage it’s a good thing, because sexual appetite can keep two people together through the times when anger and obligation blind them to their love- but outside of a marriage it becomes testier.  What happens when you break up, but your body keeps craving?  Do you throw yourself into another relationship just to have sex?  Learn to settle for something less than, just to not crave?

Wait for what is best, my mother would say, don’t just settle for what you can reach.

I agree.

There are times I feel like I’ve written all I can on the subject of Christianity and Homosexuality. And then there are times, like today, when I feel like I haven’t. I’m not sure how my mind wandered to this particular topic, but I was laying awake with my son and all the sudden I thought, “I really don’t get this whole thing.” I understand why gays want to get married- I don’t understand why Christians don’t want to allow it. Well, I do understand the reasoning (don’t cheapen something sacred) I just don’t understand how that equates to gay marriage being wrong.

Allow me to explain myself. Right now, anyone can get married as long as they are heterosexual, not cousins, and not married to someone else. That means that it’s not just Christians who understand the “sacredness” of what they are engaging in who are getting married. Not all people get married in God’s house, either. I myself was married in a courthouse, by a judge, about ten minutes after receiving the marriage certificate. The service, the attire and the atmosphere were all far less than sacred and holy, right down to the stuffed crab in my back pocket and the fact I had a horrible case of the giggles and could barely say my vows. What makes my marriage holy is not the laws or the way in which it was made- it is the two people in it, their heart and their attitude. My marriage is not made less holy by the high divorce rate or the people who enter into it for the wrong reasons. The only marriage that effects the holiness of my marriage is MY marriage.

Gay marriage is not about whether or not heterosexual marriage is holy- it is about protection. It is about the protections afforded by a piece of paper that says “these two people are legally united.” It is about the way in which a couple is percieved who can provide that paper when legality is necessary. It is about little rules like hospital visiting hours in which two people with their names on that paper are afforded different rights than those who do not have it. It is about tax breaks, ownership, joint checking accounts, discounts and retirement communities. It’s about equality. It’s about the fact that any time two people decide to share a life, they are terrified. They don’t know what the future holds. They never can fully understand what signing their names beside each other really means. It’s about that sense trust and devotion that comes with the decision to share all things, including toothbrush holders and a carton of milk. It’s about the fact that I am not more privileged, more protected, in making this journey than anyone else should be.

If I have a piece of paper that says that I can sleep at my husbands side every night, even if he’s in the hospital and breathing his last, everyone else who wants that piece of paper should be able to get it. That doesn’t mean that pastors and priests will now be FORCED to wed gays, any more than they now are forced to wed every snot-nosed heterosexual kid who says he’s ready. Every individual always has and hopefully always will have the right to use their own judgment and say no. But just as I had the right to have my own marriage papers undersigned by my county judge, gay people should at the very least be afforded the right to that paper. That’s all I have to say for now.

When my daughter was an infant I used to be terrified.  Terrified that she would be hurt somehow, that there may be a second I was away from her that she needed me, that she would have a life full of pain and there was nothing I could do.  I would hold her constantly, look at her paler-than-cream skin and her clear blue eyes, and I would be terrified.  Just terrified.

All I wanted in the world was for her to be happy.  I felt so woefully insufficient.  So many girls I knew had been abused, I wondered if my daughter would be.  If there were any way for me to protect her, always.  I knew there wasn’t.

As I’ve already said: I was terrified.

One day, I had a revelation.  I was talking with a friend, and she said, “all you can do is try every day to prepare them for the moments they are on their own, and then trust them.”

The best protection I could give my daughter was not my constant presence, but the preparation to be without me.  The most I could do for her was not to guard her but to teach her to guard herself.  Sure, she’s still a little thing, and too young to ever be without supervision, but already I find myself teaching her the life lessons that will get her through.  When she says she is hungry I don’t jump up and run for food.  I help her into the kitchen and help her pick out the food herself.  When she can’t find a toy, I don’t tear apart the house for her, we do it together.  And every day we come closer to the moment where I will realize that I am no longer so constantly needed.  Soon the day will come where she looks on her own without asking me first, where she refills her own cup of water and doesn’t need me to take her into the bathroom to do her business.

Soon, my role will change, and I await it eagerly.  Soon her lessons will be less about managing in daily life and more about how to treat other people, how to tell when someone is cruel and not a good friend, how to behave when out in public.  And one day I will no longer be needed for those lessons, and instead I will be teaching her how to take care of younger kids and then babies, how to plan and cook meals, how to care for a house.

God help me, one of these days the lessons will start to be about sex and how to choose a life partner.

And all of these things, all of these lessons, these are how I protect her.  I am not a pit bull or a black bear or a gun-toting mercenary, I am her mother.  I protect her not with my strength but with my knowledge.

I look at her, at her supple spirit and tenacity, and I think that maybe I’m not even the one teaching her.  Maybe by her accepting these lessons, she’s actually the one teaching me.  Teaching me to trust, to let go of worry, to have faith, to wait for the seeds to sprout and the blossoms to show.

I have a lot to learn.