Everyone ends up in arguments.  Every personal relationship has it’s moments of extreme tension.  How we confront them and the way in which we cope afterwards says a lot about who we are, our maturity, and our ability to maintain intimacy overtime.  So how to approach conflict?  Here are a few things I’ve learned in six years of marriage:

1. Tell the person who hurt you that you are hurt.  The assumption that offense is known and acknowledged is a dangerous one.  No matter how intimate the relationship, your spouse, family and friends are not mind readers.  If there is pain, allow it to be exposed.  Be frank.  That is when healing is possible.
2. Acknowledge wrongdoing. If you bring up thing (A) and your spouse brings up thing (B) that you did to hurt them, stop.  Breathe.  Apologize.  A true and heartfelt apology will open the door for your own hurts to be dealt with and healed.  What is more important, that you immediately achieve recognition of your own pain, or that intimacy can continue?  Be willing to be wrong, and you will find your spouse (or friends, or family) willing to admit their wrongs to you, as well.
3. Deal with the fact that you only control yourself. You can’t force humbleness, you can’t evoke change, you can’t create better intimacy by requesting it from others.  The only one you can birth those things in is yourself.  If the most important thing is the continued relationship, you will have to make sacrifices.  If the only thing that matters is your own perceived needs…  You may just go on needing, forever.
4. Always use a soft tone. You may be angry.  You may be red-in-the-face screaming angry.  You may be throwing the chairs up against the wall angry.  But if you approach the conflict that way, you immediately put everyone else on the defensive.  Use a soft tone and a gentle touch.  “Demonstrations” of anger don’t have to be loud and rude.  Softly saying, “I am angry.  I cannot deal with (this) or (that) and I need you to hear me.” will allow for the conversation to grow.
5. Use personal language- don’t say “you did this, you did that, you hurt me.”  Say, “I was hurt when this or that happened.”  “I had a bad reaction to your words.”  “You may not have meant to hurt me by saying this or that, but I was hurt.”  Do not immediately place blame.  Speak sincerely about yourself and your feelings and needs, and allow an opportunity for the offending party to take blame.
6. Don’t bring in a third party- don’t immediately bring other people into your personal problems.  It may be tempting to call your mother before broaching a subject with your spouse, but if you do and then say, “mom said this about what you did” expect the fight to continue.  If you must call someone else for emotional support, leave them out of the discussion.  Your problems with your spouse or family should remain between you and the people involved.
7. Learn how to calm yourself down.  The heat of anger can be dangerous.  Figure out what calms you down, be it breathing slowly or cleaning or fishing or yardwork or painting or handling your Wii (gaming system, for the uninitiated), and if you feel yourself losing control- go do that thing-  BUT-  never just walk out on a conversation.  Tell your spouse (or friend, or family) what you are doing.  Say, “I really want to have this conversation, but if we keep talking right now I will say things to hurt you that we will both regret and be unable to unsay.  Is it okay if I take a few hours to do (this) or (that) and we can talk after?”  If you want to sweeten the deal, you could even say, “here, take this twenty and go see a movie or get dinner while I calm down.”  That way you both feel taken care of, and the discussion can take place over calmer waters.

So, this weekend, have a happy relationship!

No, I’m not talking about fantasy in a sci-fi/fantasy sense- I’m talking sex.

Is it wrong to fantasize?  Many women will admit to fantasies of being held, talked to, emotionally stimulated in some way.  They will admit that sometimes they dream about people they’ve met in passing.  Not necessarily always in a strictly sexual sense, sometimes it’s just about companionship.

But if we are Christian a question remains: is it sin?

Psychologically speaking fantasy is a “safe” way in which to engage in behaviors deemed “unsafe” in reality.  One knows one would pay a price for arguing with one’s mother, so one fantasizes.  One knows one isn’t ever going to date Edward Norton, so one fantasizes.  Fantasy can also be an exercise for certain things one is unsure of- and in this sense women have much more active fantasy lives then men.  Women tend to fantasize about the course of the day, how to interact with a boss, what to make for dinner.  Women tend to think about these things to a much greater extent than men.  It’s not a wonder we’re often seen as a “mystery” seeing as we spend such a large amount of time in our heads.  (And yes- I realize this is a gross generalization.  Some men operate this way and some women simply don’t.)

Yet, the question remains:  when it comes to sex, is it a sin?

Ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do you ever replace real interaction, necessary interaction, with fantasy? Are there times where you know you need to discuss something, and yet you don’t?  Where the anger/disatisfaction/desire you are feeling causes a rift in your relationship, and yet you continue to exorcise it with fantasy instead of interaction?
2. Do you find yourself unattracted to your mate and only stimulated by fantasy?  This is a major problem- and in this way fantasy can be as dangerous as pornography.
3. Does your fantasy life take you out of your daily life to the point that it’s an obstruction? You know the kids staring out of the window instead of listening in class?  Is this you in your job?  Your marriage?

Do you throw yourself into romance novels?  Soap operas?  Do you find yourself hurting and longing for something that you only achieve in fantasy?  While in small doses an argument can be made for the safeness and even health of fantasy, there’s a time when you need to embrace and appreciate reality.

Not to mention communication, communication, communication- perhaps if you tell your spouse that you fantasize about being spoken to in a certain way, held in a certain way, approached in a certain way, you’ll find that his eager to behave this way himself and fulfill you.

But- is it sin?  In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Where is your heart?  Is it with your spouse, your life?  Or have you given it to something unattainable, something that is only in your head?

How many women whose eyes will touch this post have benefitted, in some way, from Women’s Suffrage?  How many prize their right to vote, enjoy wearing blue jeans, are enamored of the fact that they can stay home with their babies or choose to continue careers or never have babies at all if they don’t want to?  How many feel stronger as a result of their rights?  Feel validated and taken care of by their country?

Every woman, I would hope.  Because the rights we all recieve as humans in a free society are one of God’s greatest gifts.  God gave us free will, and in America God’s gift of free will has been translated into free enterprise and civil rights.

Yet…  How many women reading this blog post also mourn the rigidity of marriage laws?  How many have a sister or a friend who loves another woman?  How many are women who themselves are in love with a person of the same gender?

My word of caution to all women who enjoy equity under the law is to not become complacent.  We, blessed as we are with our own rights, must not forsake the sisterhood.  Yes, there is a sisterhood.  There is shared knowledge and shared pain, there is shared desire and shared regret.  We are all one body as sisters under God and under the law.  We must stand together.  Even as Christians we must remember Christ’s call to love and not forsake the sisterhood of believers-

We are humanity.  We must muddle together through the dark of night and the quiet of unspoken bias.  Every woman who cherishes her rights under the law must turn to those who are not considered equal under laws elsewhere and those who are not considered equal here at home, and lift each other up.

Every time I see those two words beside each other in that order I wonder what in the world it means. “Unnatural Relations”. It implies, “relations that go against nature.” What is that? If you look at nature, like nature on a farm, you’ll see that nature seems to go for any relations it can get. Dogs will have sex with rubber balls, stuffed animals, a stray foot pointing out in a convenient direction, other male dogs or female dogs or whatever is convenient. Most animals are that way. They have a lust, they fulfill it.

In that way I’ve always thought of human sexuality as transcending “natural relations”, because we have made sex about more than fulfilling a lust or procreating. Sex, to me, is about two people learning to be one. It is about give and take, sacrifice and dominance, learning to be in control and out of it, giving of yourself and taking of another. That is far more than simply nature, it is a metaphor for all things real and spiritual. It is the dance of creation itself- not because it makes life but because it IS life.

So what is unnatural? Is it unnatural to have sex in a way that doesn’t lead to procreation? Is it a sin to use birth control? Is it a sin when a married and committed couple engage in mutual masturbation or anal sex? Where exactly is the line between natural and unnatural? Is the only holy sex that which is done in the dark with socks still on and both feeling a little embarrassed afterwards?

I really do wonder about these things. When someone tells me to beware of unnatural relations I always want to ask, “what defines natural?” That which is found in nature, that which is primal and crude, or is “unnatural” that which one simply finds distasteful?

Because in my opinion there are a lot of Christian couples that engage in distasteful relations. Maybe I’m still a bit of a heathen.

“So the church and state are separate… next thing you know they’ll be outlawing religion entirely.”

“So women want to vote… next thing you know they’ll have caucuses of crying babies.”

“So black people want civil rights… next thing you know we’ll be giving them to cattle.”

And on, and on, until, “so gay people want to get married. Next thing you know they’ll be marrying dogs.”

The sick and twisted irony of all of this is that the first one- outlawing religion- is one that is still felt oh so many years later. So I don’t doubt that when gay marriage inevitably is allowed, people will continue to fear that there will be framed marriage certificates reading “John Smith” is wed to “Fuzzy”- and it won’t be in an ironic sense.

There is a difference between redefining law and abolishing it completely. Saying that marriage can occur between two consenting adults of legal status instead of between any male and female of legal status is not the same as saying, “marriage is open! Call in the sheep! Anything goes!” Just as separating the church and state didn’t lead to the abolishment of Catholicism outright and women being able to vote doesn’t mean that ANYONE can and black people having equal rights doesn’t mean that dogs do, too.

I understand. It is uncomfortable thinking of law as fluid rather than rigid. The second we realize that law is fluid we start to feel the ground under our feet move. But we also have to understand that it is we as a society who define the land over which law flows. We, as a people, govern our nation. Remember that. So it is we as a people who can say, “okay, Jack and John but not John and Fido.”

And OUR word is law.

For people who believe that we as a society are evil I suppose that’s a scary thought. I, personally, don’t believe that I live in an evil society. Certainly there are problems and certainly there are times when I want to put a pillow over my head and sing myself to sleep, but ultimately I believe that given correct information, comfort, and enough time, all people are capable of doing the right thing. In this case I suppose I have a difference of opinion from a lot of Christians, because I believe the right thing is allowing people to be “affirmed” in their “sin”- but sin is a choice that we all can and do make, to varying impacts, every day. At least sin committed out of love has got one thing right: Love.

Just keep in mind that there is an insurmountable difference between two consenting adults who love each other wishing to be joined in a legally recognized and protected union, and having sexual relations with a beast. There is a difference, a huge difference. The difference is that any sane person can see that regardless of sex, affection between two humans is affection that can be returned in equal parts. Sex, as a result of affection, is not so different regardless of the genders engaging in it. And I do believe that most homosexuals do feel affection for their long-term partners. Sex with animals, on the other hand, is all about lust and control.

Homosexuality is NOT about lust and control.

If you, dear reader, disagree with me on that point I suppose there is no reason to continue the discussion. Just please, talk to a few gay people. Ask them about their hopes and dreams and expectations of life. Ask them the qualities they seek in a partner. See that aside from the gender issue, they aren’t so different from you and I.

Every time gay marriage is mentioned, someone eventually says something along the lines of:

“But think about the children!”

The nuclear family is eroding, family values are plummeting, one can only imagine how the next generation will turn out…

My inevitable response is, “yes, DO think of the children.”

Given the state of affairs in America, shouldn’t every single child that could have a loving family be placed with one? Shouldn’t gay people who want to be parents have that chance? What is better: that a child have no home, or two fathers? Personally, I believe that every family is flawed. Every parent has problems, every relationship has strain. It is impossible to raise a child in an environment where they will be exposed to no pain, no criticism by peers, no sin. There are going to be straight parents who fight and divorce, kids with two sets of parents, kids raised by people who are “less than seemly” to say it simply. Given that fact, I personally would say that anyone who loves a child and wants to raise it should be given the chance, assuming that there is no abuse or potential for deep harm.

I just don’t think that someone being gay is enough harm. What if the parent was straight, but a serial cheater? What if the parent was straight and left the mother of the child for a younger, sluttier model? Is modeling that behavior somehow WORSE than homosexuality?

So I say, please, DO think of the children. And ask yourself if the worst thing a parent does is love another person of the same gender, does that somehow disqualify them from parenthood? What if they love their kids, hold them when they can’t sleep at night, make them homecooked meals, send brownies to the teachers, do their homework with them, hem their pants, and also hold hands with another man? Does the last item make all of the others mean less?

I don’t think it does.

I feel really conflicted about abstinence only sex education.  I feel like young people, especially girls, should be educated about how best to protect their bodies and prevent unwanted pregnancy.  But I also realize the risks involved with sex and the fact that the only guarantee you won’t have a little seven pound “mistake” nine months later is abstinence.  After all- I myself conceived one child while on the pill and another through a diaphragm.  Those little nagging “.01″ percents do exist!

The biggest reason I dislike abstinence only education is that it does a disservice to all of the people out there who chose to abstain out of more than fear.  I believe that teaching abstinence is best is a good thing, but to cheapen sex itself and to make a mockery out of the choices kids should make is a bad thing.  By making it about fear, fear of pregnancy, fear of disease, misinformation in the name of safety… that’s just wrong. Kids shouldn’t make choices out of fear, and I truly believe that given all the right information in a supportive environment, most kids actually do have the ability to make good choices.

There are better reasons to wait to have sex than just fear.  For one, there’s the fact that there is a very clear line between virginity and sexuality.  Once sexuality is awoken, one can’t go back and see the world through virgin eyes.  I won’t go all Victorian on you and talk about the knowledge of the flesh, but there is a clear difference.  I can remember what it was like, to wonder about sex, to wonder about touching, to wonder how certain things would feel, what it would be like to be desired, all of those things.  Now that wonder is gone, and while I don’t miss it, I do think that I made the right choice by waiting for my husband.  There’s also the fact that since I did make the choice I did, I have no memory of being with someone else. My sexuality, in a very real way, belongs to my spouse.  He is the only man to see my adult body totally nude.  He is the only one who knows where to touch and what to say.  Our marriage bed is truly secret.

I don’t feel naive or somehow deprived, when I say that.  I feel proud.  I feel like I have managed something really miraculous, in preserving some of the old ways in my own life.  There is this feeling of sacredness and divinity that is so lost in our culture, in our world, and to be able to keep even a touch of it alive is so worthwhile.

To have sex with someone is to grant them access to your body.  That is not something that should ever be done lightly.  To have sex with someone is also to bond to them, in a way, because the body will form an appetite in a very real way.  Hormones play a game of catch and release, and once your body learns to desire it won’t stop doing so.  In a marriage it’s a good thing, because sexual appetite can keep two people together through the times when anger and obligation blind them to their love- but outside of a marriage it becomes testier.  What happens when you break up, but your body keeps craving?  Do you throw yourself into another relationship just to have sex?  Learn to settle for something less than, just to not crave?

Wait for what is best, my mother would say, don’t just settle for what you can reach.

I agree.

There are times I feel like I’ve written all I can on the subject of Christianity and Homosexuality. And then there are times, like today, when I feel like I haven’t. I’m not sure how my mind wandered to this particular topic, but I was laying awake with my son and all the sudden I thought, “I really don’t get this whole thing.” I understand why gays want to get married- I don’t understand why Christians don’t want to allow it. Well, I do understand the reasoning (don’t cheapen something sacred) I just don’t understand how that equates to gay marriage being wrong.

Allow me to explain myself. Right now, anyone can get married as long as they are heterosexual, not cousins, and not married to someone else. That means that it’s not just Christians who understand the “sacredness” of what they are engaging in who are getting married. Not all people get married in God’s house, either. I myself was married in a courthouse, by a judge, about ten minutes after receiving the marriage certificate. The service, the attire and the atmosphere were all far less than sacred and holy, right down to the stuffed crab in my back pocket and the fact I had a horrible case of the giggles and could barely say my vows. What makes my marriage holy is not the laws or the way in which it was made- it is the two people in it, their heart and their attitude. My marriage is not made less holy by the high divorce rate or the people who enter into it for the wrong reasons. The only marriage that effects the holiness of my marriage is MY marriage.

Gay marriage is not about whether or not heterosexual marriage is holy- it is about protection. It is about the protections afforded by a piece of paper that says “these two people are legally united.” It is about the way in which a couple is percieved who can provide that paper when legality is necessary. It is about little rules like hospital visiting hours in which two people with their names on that paper are afforded different rights than those who do not have it. It is about tax breaks, ownership, joint checking accounts, discounts and retirement communities. It’s about equality. It’s about the fact that any time two people decide to share a life, they are terrified. They don’t know what the future holds. They never can fully understand what signing their names beside each other really means. It’s about that sense trust and devotion that comes with the decision to share all things, including toothbrush holders and a carton of milk. It’s about the fact that I am not more privileged, more protected, in making this journey than anyone else should be.

If I have a piece of paper that says that I can sleep at my husbands side every night, even if he’s in the hospital and breathing his last, everyone else who wants that piece of paper should be able to get it. That doesn’t mean that pastors and priests will now be FORCED to wed gays, any more than they now are forced to wed every snot-nosed heterosexual kid who says he’s ready. Every individual always has and hopefully always will have the right to use their own judgment and say no. But just as I had the right to have my own marriage papers undersigned by my county judge, gay people should at the very least be afforded the right to that paper. That’s all I have to say for now.

Women have hormones.

Those hormones affect the way they think and act.

It’s not a conspiracy, okay? Most women are willing to admit it- or if they won’t admit it they bite their tongue because they feel that an admission will negate the reality of what they’re dealing with. Let’s say you drop a two-by-four on your foot. It hurts. You curse. Your wife rolls her eyes and says, “it’s just the two-by-four, honey.”

Well, sure, you’re only cursing because of the swelling and bleeding as a result of the big piece of wood that was kissing your toes- but it still hurts, right?

Women’s hormones are much the same. We can’t control when or how they affect us. We’re aware of them and aware of their power over us. When we tear up during a bath soap commercial with a cute baby or when we get really really angry just because you fail to make eye contact with us, and we know it’s been 26 days since the last time we felt this way, that doesn’t suddenly negate what we are feeling. Regardless of why the emotion is there, it’s there, and we have to cope with it, and anyone else saying, “it’s just the hormones” will make us want to chew off their head and lay our bloody eggs in their mangled carcass. (And, no, I’m not purposefully using strong language to hammer in my point. If evolution is real, there’s some seriously strange stuff banging around that double helix of ours…)

The point I’m trying to make is that people need to respect hormones and their power- and not just for one week out of the month. Women’s hormones are their constant companion, and their power can be harnessed for either good or evil. If you can learn to work with them for good, you’ll have a much happier life. Does your girl toss and turn at night? Chances are she’s low on serotonin, a very important little hormone that helps the body achieve deeper and more restful sleep, stimulates the production of hormones that help govern happiness, and is all around a wonderful little bundle of protons and neurons. Serotonin can help be produced simply by being exposed to sunlight for more than twenty minutes a day and by engaging in physical activities.

This means that you can help your significant other, and help yourself as well. Go for walks together. While you’re walking, hold her hand and rub her neck. Physical touch and intimacy helps in the production of another key hormone, oxytocin. We all know oxytocin- it’s that feeling of euphoria you have in a new relationship, as well as one of the key hormones governing uterine contractions and causing the bonding between mother and child. This means that, ironically, regular intimacy will help your partner crave regular intimacy. I’m not saying, “have sex with her and she’ll want to blow your mind more often”- just touch her, hold her, kiss her, comfort her, and you’ll be opening doors to worlds of new experiences.

Also- be aware of the natural arc of a woman’s hormones. There’s one week a month that you know to get out of the house as much as possible- but are you aware that for the seven to fourteen days leading up to that week your woman is a melting pot of hormonal goodness? The hormones that help her release an egg and prime her to receive it also make her want to do the thing that fertilizes it as much as possible. So, go enjoy yourselves- just do it with protection if you’re not wanting to get her pregnant.

Now, since we can’t ignore the fact that women can get a little psychotic when all of those good hormones dissipate, here is a simple guide to communication during the weak of PAIN:

Bad: “You’re so hormonal.”

Better: “It must be hard being a woman.” (only good if you aren’t. If you are, just say, “I’m sorry.”)

Best: “I picked up some ice cream. All for you!”

Bad: “You’re being totally unreasonable.”

Better: “I can understand where you’re coming from.”

Best: “You are unequivocally right.”

Bad: “You took the comfy side of the bed.”

Better: “Would you like my pillow as well?”

Best: “I’ll sleep on the couch so you can get really comfortable.”

Bad: “You want to watch that movie again?”

Better: “The ending is sort of cute I guess.”

Best: “I’ll run to the store and get you more ice cream.”

Bad: “You’re still crying about that movie?”

Better: “I felt sort of touched as well.”

Best: “Why don’t we cuddle and cry together?”

Supreme goodness: “I’ll hold you and you can finish my ice cream.”

So I’m listening to the radio, and the announcer starts talking about Eliot Spitzer’s resignation and Dr. Laura’s panel discussion of said resignation, and the question comes up: Why do men cheat?  This is what Dr. Laura had to say:

“Men need validation.  When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman.  And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he’s very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs.  And these days women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need.”  (more of her discussion here)

Flat on it’s face, this looks like Dr. Laura is saying that Eliot Spitzer was driven to cheat because his wife didn’t adore him enough.  Because he didn’t have enough “validation.”  The man was the Governor of New York, he was coming down from a very successful career as Attorney General, and his name was bantered around as a possible Vice Presidential candidate.   He lives in a mansion.  He has countless aides.  His wife looks like a mature Jennifer Aniston, with the body of a twenty year old.  She’s given him beautiful children.  Why wouldn’t he feel validated?

I’m not being glib.  I’m serious.  If he had all of that and still carried a fragile ego, there was far more wrong with him than could be cured by his wife saying, “hey, hot stuff, you’re my hero.”  Maybe she did tell him that, and he disbelieved her.  I’m not saying that wives shouldn’t adore and prop up their husbands, they should.  I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have sex until his eyes roll back in his head.  If the relationship is good, go for it.  Have fun.

If the relationship is bad, though, can you really just point to the wife and accuse her of not taking good enough care of her man’s ego?

What about all of the men that never adore their wives?  What about all of the men who never say, “hey, babe, you’re my hero?”  See, I’ve seen what goes down this road, and when a woman cheats she’s accused of not being grateful enough for the husband God gave her.  When the man cheats, it’s because the woman isn’t grateful enough for the man God gave her.  It’s very, very rarely made about the man not being grateful enough for his wife.  If she was withholding sex, what if it was because of him?  Because of how he treated her?  Because of HIS innatention?  What if he wasn’t willing to put in the work to romance her?  What if it was, to put it simply, easier for him to pay a hooker to @#$% off his @#$% than to have a good relationship with the mother of his children?

What if he cheated because he would RATHER CHEAT?

In all of these discussions of why men do what they do, people rarely say, “because they take the shortest route to fulfillment.”

In America these days we’re used to instant gratification.  We have macaroni that you pop in the microwave (no boiling necessary!) we can pick up our entire Easter feast from the local Wal-Mart, we don’t even make our own gift baskets anymore.  That which we need we buy, and that which we can’t buy we tend to do without.  Personal thought and detail are a luxury, and most people are so burnt out on “work” that they fail to work on the things that really matter.  The reason so many relationships fail is because we have the wrong priorities.  If Eliot Spitzer’s priority was a healthy relationship with his wife, I doubt he’d be paying $4300 to a hooker.

I’d say he strayed because he wanted his @#$% to be @#$%ed to all @#$@ by a hot young girl.

I think it’s that simple.