Sex and Marriage
Growing up, I often heard people talking about sex as God’s gift to married couples. There was this joke that was often said, about how if God didn’t give married folks sex than they’d have nothing but misery. That concept of sex as a reward, or something to be earned, was something that irked me. I also heard a lot of, “sex is for procreation”, a phrase that would be uttered with a kind of derision that implied that sex was duty, and sex for recreation was just plain dirty. It would not be uncommon for me to hear the women at church talk about sex in tones of dreariness, talking about the “grossness” of sex, their boredom with it, the weariness of giving in to sex out of submission after a hard day’s work. I have to admit that I began to picture sex as a painful and horrible beast, the thought of genitalia made me a little nauseous, and I was relatively sure that sex was primarily about power.
Imagine my surprise, the first time someone really kissed me, and I enjoyed it. It was like a drug. It was like the veil over my eyes being shredded. I opened my eyes and I was sure that the sun was brighter and there was a chorus of angels singing and ten thousand birds had taken flight. I was astonished and horrified that such a wonderful sensation, the sensation of being needed and desired and reciprocating, was lost on all of the married women at church with their head coverings and china teacups. I’ve been married for six years, and sex for me has never once been primarily about procreation. I’ve seen sex as submission, sex as desire, sex as celebration, sex as recreation, sex as forgiveness, sex as power- but sex simply as procreation I have yet to see. I may not ever.
If you look at the Bible and find Song of Solomon, you’ll see these verses:
(song of solomon 7:7-9)
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit,
I said, “I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.
This may just be one girl’s opinion, but I’d say that couple was having some passionate sex. I have yet to find anywhere in the Bible where it says that taking enjoyment in each other is wrong.
Women involve their sex drive with their emotions. I think of the women who have passionless sex and I wonder what their relationship with their husbands is like. Do they give the same grudging submission in every aspect of their lives? Do they close their eyes and pray for it to be over when they’re at the dinner table? Sitting together at church? Going through the bills? Do they know what it is like to passionately share their husband’s life? Does he involve them in his private thoughts? Do they read and discuss the Bible together, or is he the priest of the house in cold detachment? I think that good sex is the natural bi-product of a good relationship. A couple that is devoted to each other, desires each other and sacrifices for each other is not going to end the day in tiring procreation, they are going to end the day in a celebration of the life they share.
There is nothing more sacred than a body, nothing more precious and personal than the parts of yourself you cover to live your daily life. To give to your spouse those parts of you that no one else sees, to allow entrance, to take and give: there is nothing greater. This gift should not be given grudgingly or out of duty, it should be given gladly and rejoiced in. Sex should be good. By learning to live with each other in every aspect of our lives, from the mundane to the holy to the inexplicable, that is the one way that we are given to fully understand unconditional love. This isn’t an opportunity that should be taken lightly. It shouldn’t be done dryly, it shouldn’t spurn tea-time conversations about the “burden of spousal duty”. If marriage is a metaphor for the Church’s relationship with Christ, would we want to picture ourselves at the church stirring sugar into our tea with a deep sigh, decrying that being united with Christ is unseemly?
Rejoice in each other, enjoy each other, take part in each other. It’s nice.
PolitiPornster replied:
I love the perspective offered in this piece. Funny thing is that last week I read a story about this Christian couple that has set up a website that markets sex toys to married Christian couples. Basically, it’s sex toys without the pornography. The website took its name from the Song of Solomon, I think it is http://www.book22.com. After reading the article, I thought I’d sit down and read some Soloman. Well now, everytime I turn around somebody is mentioning the Song of Soloman. Your article has just been added to a multitude of Soloman references that have come my way this week.
February 20, 2008 at 7:31 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
I’m so totally bookmarking that site. I’ve been hearing a lot of references lately too, which is part of what inspired this entry. It’s odd how these little thought memes get out there, isn’t it?
February 20, 2008 at 7:57 pm. Permalink.
yaly replied:
I agree that sex is not just an act to occupy your life as a married woman. It is pleasure, love, pain, sorrow, submission, and part of growing up as an adult. Sex and marriages are not linked very often. They are commonly linked in shotgun weddings though. lol. Sex is about acceptance and love. Once you have those two things, not many things matter.
February 21, 2008 at 3:38 am. Permalink.
Jersey replied:
Some rabbis claim that it good for the married to have sex on Shabbat.
Any time Paul dissed sex was when he spoke to the Corinthians — Corinth was one of the more amoral cities of the day, and my opinion is if the newly converted even had sex again, they would fall back to their carnal ways. (Think of Corinth as their Bangkok or Vegas of their day.)
Read the whole OT — it blesses sex, and to have sex was God’s very first command: “Be fruitful and increase in number.” Genesis 1.28 NIV.
February 21, 2008 at 5:35 am. Permalink.
jaklumen replied:
Welll… my faith has stated that The Song of Solomon is not inspired writings, technically, but
your point is fabulous. Cimmy and I believe most fervently that the pleasure and bonding involved are very, very important. Yes, it is the vehicle for procreation, but it’s so important to strengthening the marriage relationship, for us.
I’ll pass along your post to her so she can comment as well
February 21, 2008 at 7:16 am. Permalink.
Miguel replied:
Congratulations for your post, I loved it. I congratulate you for being a woman and to write so openly and so beautifully about sex.
February 21, 2008 at 12:25 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Yaly: thanks for your comment! I agree, once you’ve found acceptance and love, nothing else seems to matter as much.
Jersey: I found Paul’s arguments fascinating, especially the fact that he acknowledged that not all could be like him. That’s something that is often overlooked.
Jaklumen: I’d be excited to hear what Cimmy has to say!
Miguel: Thank you, so very much.
February 21, 2008 at 2:45 pm. Permalink.
Tony replied:
As a student of all things sexual both past and present I’m dismayed to hear that there are still people who look at intercourse in such an archaic fashion still. Tash and I being the presumptuous pricks we are often look at couples as they walk down the street and categorize them by the sex we think they’re having, and “boring baby-making sex” is certainly on that list but to us the idea of sex as a chore is so foreign by this point that we consider it the height of unhealthiness.
I understand the ancient Christian viewpoints before the Victorian era and the beginning of concepts like woman’s suffrage, the church had so thoroughly permeated society with the concept of original sin and how evil woman would entrance good godfaring men with their siren’s call to lead them to Satan as Eve had done to Adam in the garden that sex was considered a completely vile but necessary act, and the only way to legitimize it was to remove all emotion and pleasure from the whole thing. Often to accomplish this a sheet with a hole in it would be used to limit the amount of skin contact during the act.
I cannot imagine the psychological and physical damage that occurred due to such methods.
February 21, 2008 at 3:37 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Tony: Prior to women’s suffrage and equal rights, sex as power probably drove a lot of the thinking as well- because to allow women any corner of power over men- especially in marriage- would be a dangerous thing.
I can’t imagine the harm, either. Even seeing the little bit that I’ve seen in really conservative communities, to imagine that in society as a whole is just chilling.
February 21, 2008 at 4:54 pm. Permalink.
apuritanmindset replied:
I don’t know if this is anything, but not too terribly long ago, I wrote something here on the topic of sex more generally.
I feel the same way that you do about sex. It should be enjoyed by both individuals, not just the man (as is too often the case). I want to please my wife. I don’t want to be the only one to reach completion. I want to have fun. I don’t want that ever to fade.
February 22, 2008 at 12:22 am. Permalink.
DM replied:
We’ll be married 29 yrs this April- and it has gotten better w/ age ;-). I still remember sitting in a marriage and family counseling course @ CCEF listening to Wayne Mack talking about the Scriptures and sexuality…you could have heard a pin drop. The guy modeled an attitude I “hear” on your blog post…Who came up with the idea of sexuality and pleasure in the first place?…if you’re a believer…you’ll agree…it was God’s idea…other forces would like to twist and pevert it.
I touched on this issue myself recently (indirectly) here : http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/we-still-like-each-other-after-28-years/ good post.
February 22, 2008 at 12:14 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
apuritanmindset: thank you so much for the comment and the link! This is such an important topic, there shouldn’t be any embarrassment in speaking about it plainly and openly.
DM: It reminds me of this joke, “marriage is like cheese and wine, it stinks more with age… no, wait, it IMPROVES with age.”
I think it was CS Lewis who said, somewhere, that Satan cannot create, so he twists. All things were good in creation, and were bent along the way. Sex, as well. Thanks for the link!
February 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm. Permalink.
Ruby replied:
I’ve only been married for 2 1/2 years but it’s been amazing this far. It constantly surprises me how many old, married women still believe that sex is a chore. I was blessed with some pretty great parents who taught me that sex should always be fun, but if they hadn’t talked to me about it, my impressions from Sunday School would be that sex is something to be avoided at all costs.
February 26, 2008 at 8:09 pm. Permalink.
thatdudeyouknow replied:
“Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”
Proverbs 5:18-19
And if sex was so taboo. Why does the bible use sex as a metaphor all the time. Read Ezekiel 23. Find a preacher today that would use the metaphor you find in verse 20:
“For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses”
Now that dsicusses even me… but I guess it’s meant to shock. Read it in it’s context.
April 23, 2008 at 3:31 pm. Permalink.
jaklumen replied:
@shush: I think it was CS Lewis who said, somewhere, that Satan cannot create, so he twists. All things were good in creation, and were bent along the way.
Another way I’ve heard it described is distinguishing the genuine from the counterfeit.
What is real? What brings joy, happiness, contentment, etc.? What brings misery, sorrow, regret, and so on?
Although I received so many mixed messages about sex in my childhood, I clung to the notion that sex bonds couples together, as well as being a means to procreation. It seemed to bear out in outside observations– it certainly seemed to change the nature of relationships. There would be a connection, but if there wasn’t much more basis than that, the relationship tended to end.
I see sex as a sort of mortar or glue. You can’t build a house of mortar, but you can’t build a house without something holding the pieces together, either.
April 29, 2008 at 11:39 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
thatdudeyouknow: Thank you for those verses! I think that sex has always been an important part of sex and culture. Even cave drawings feature sex!
Jaklumen: I like that analogy!
May 1, 2008 at 2:07 pm. Permalink.