Parenthood is not Cute.
I heard someone comment earlier today that teenage girls seem to think babies are an accessory. I found that statement jarring.
Babies are NOT an accessory, nor are they a pet. They are human beings. Parenting is more than an extended game of dress-up. When you choose to have a baby, you are accepting the responsibility for the life, safety, well-being and mental health of a human being. You are ceding your personal choices and your right to live uninterrupted in favor of giving a good home and loving environment to another person. If you want something cute and cuddly to show off to your girlfriends, get a puppy. Don’t have a baby!
Babies are helpless. Babies have no ability to communicate, they cannot even move. If your baby is too hot or too cold, you have to know that. You have to know the difference between a cry that means hungry and a cry that means wet. You have to know if your baby is bored or gassy or frustrated. Babies are born with no knowledge or ability, the part of behavior that is taught YOU must teach and the part that comes from experience will be absorbed through mimicking YOUR experience.
You, and only you, will be held to account for the kind of person your child grows up to be. Before having a baby you must ask yourself if you are prepared to not only hold and coo at a child, but to sacrifice your sleep to care for a child, to make yourself last in all things and your child first. It is not merely a question of priorities- your child’s well-being and perhaps even their life will depend on your ability to be constantly aware of him or her.
You also need to realize that your child may not be what you expect or desire. You may be dreaming about pink lace and ribbons only to have a boy, or a girl who hates pink. You may be fantasizing about long quiet afternoons only to have an energetic talkative ball of nerves. You may be fantasizing about afternoons running in the park only to have a child that prefers the comfort of home and repetition. You may not like to read out loud, and your child may beg and cry and cajole you into 50 readings of Brown Bear every day. You may love reading out loud, only to have your baby wander off in boredom every time you crack open the cover.
You will be expected to remember everything. The names of favorite characters, colors and foods that are loved and loathed, where every toy is dropped or hidden.
The first year of your child’s life will be a passionate journey of loving discovery- that much is true- but the discovery won’t always be magical. There will be many sleepless nights figuring out what position relieves the pain of gas and what kind of bounce and rub and jiggle brings on sleep. There will be long days of deciphering cries and coos and trying to find the hidden meanings in every gesture. There will be times where you can do nothing but give up in frustration and hand your screaming child to someone else. Do not tell yourself, “no, not me, not my child…” because every parent faces this. There will be moments of pure joy, ecstasy, emphatic love, but they will be thrown into stark relief by the many times you collapse in tearful exhaustion only to hear your child’s voice on the baby monitor, calling for your return.
Sleep will be a distant thought, caffeine necessary.
And all of this comes only after nine months of your body belonging to the child within, nine months that are often less of a pregnant glow and more the sheen of sweat and tears. It is not easy, hauling around the extra weight, feeling the baby roll and kick as you try to find that one elusive comfortable position so that you can drift into sleep only to wake up to a full bladder three hours later.
All that being said: if you want a child, if you want to raise one, if you want to be a teacher and confidant and to know the joy that can only come from a child’s kisses, it is worth it. It is definitely worth it.
It’s just not always cute.
DM replied:
I might add, I honestly believe it is the hardest job on the planet..for all of the reasons you just mentioned..especially mentally and physically. We have 4- the youngest is 19. What I would say to any young husband who would listen to me @ this point..you wife needs large doses of encouragement, regular breaks, adult conversation, and you- just to listen. great post
February 27, 2008 at 5:25 pm. Permalink.
shellakers replied:
This is a very good post, as per usual! I think they should put this in the “how to” baby books!
I was a teen mother. I remember feeling like this was going to be SO COOL, before my baby was born. I don’t think teen mothers are able to comprehend what you’re saying before their baby is born though. Nobody knows what it’s going to be like until you have the baby.
February 27, 2008 at 5:52 pm. Permalink.
Jen replied:
Your points are excellent. However! I just wanted to point out this: “If you want something cute and cuddly to show off to your girlfriends, get a puppy.”
No, actually, please don’t even do that if you’re not prepared to accept responsibility for another life. I am not equating puppies/kittens/hamsters with babies, but the fact of the matter is that the purse-dog phenomenon is part of the whole disturbing living-things-as-accessories trend, and it’s never a good idea! Especially at this time of year, when unwanted bunnies show up at shelters like crazy because someone gave them as Easter gifts without checking if the person was ready to care for a rabbit as a pet, it’s important to remember that - while not the same level of time and investment as a child, a pet is still a responsibility.
Also, please spay and neuter. Bob Barker wasn’t kidding. =)
February 27, 2008 at 7:17 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
DM: The difference between motherhood and other jobs is that a mother doesn’t really get time off. When my daughter was an infant I actually got a part time job just so I could have a break from mothering! A husband who understands that pressure is priceless.
Shellakers: thank you, so much! You’re right. It’s impossible to fully understand it unless you’ve done it.
Jen: so, so true! A dog might live for twenty years- buying one is a HUGE investment. I get angry when I hear about people getting rid of dogs because they didn’t check to see if they could have one in their apartment, or people giving animals to children as pets without asking the parent’s permission. How irresponsible!
February 27, 2008 at 7:21 pm. Permalink.
jaklumen replied:
@DM: you wife needs large doses of encouragement, regular breaks, adult conversation, and you- just to listen
Yes, yes, yes. With the trauma my wife faced in her childhood, sometimes I had to double, triple, quadruple the amount.
@shush: a mother doesn’t really get time off
Well, I’m sure you agree it’s not just the “employment” thing. As a disabled dad, I sometimes found there were things I couldn’t do as effectively because I didn’t have the parts and didn’t have the connection that comes with a kid being a “wombmate” for 9 months or so.
February 27, 2008 at 9:29 pm. Permalink.
Pixiemom replied:
Awesome post, but I have to agree that after working with teenagers that they rarely listen to this stuff until after the baby is born and then they think, “Oh my, she was RIGHT!” One of my friends did this. She was 16 and got pregnant because a baby would be so cute. I was pregnant with James (my second) at the same time (we had the same due date) and first, I gave her a talking to about it and then I encouraged her. She called me up a lot in that first year and admitted that there were times she wanted to just let her mom take over, but she was determined to be a good mom and as far as I can tell, she is one. Her daughter just turned 9 and she has another one, who is 5 (same father, they got married). They are both beautiful inside and out because of the devotion their mother has given them.
February 27, 2008 at 10:47 pm. Permalink.
amberfireinus replied:
Another right on posting…. you make me go wow! See… a little block yesterday and today you are again ready to take on the world!
February 28, 2008 at 12:47 am. Permalink.
shush replied:
jaklumen: You are very right, and we are in agreement.
pixiemom: that is so wonderful that she was determined to do the right thing, and you could be there for her!
amber: thanks! I guess I just needed something to stoke the fires.
February 28, 2008 at 2:10 am. Permalink.
MrsPeel replied:
You, my dear, are a hell of an inspiration to every girl out there, if only more would stop and listen (or read) instead of going on giving birth as a tool (or accessorie) for some idiotic mean.
As I said, here in the UK babies for some teenagers are a passport to social security money and government housing…
but here we have you: young, beautifull, talented, brilliant mum…..not all hope is gone for the *oldies* like me, maybe my daughter will follow your path…. (I sincerely hope so)
February 28, 2008 at 9:55 pm. Permalink.
shush replied:
Thank you, dear!
February 29, 2008 at 11:18 am. Permalink.
militarywifey replied:
WoW! Amazing post. So true! I do think that in this day in age in Hollywood babies are the latest “accessory du jour”. People need to think about having babies before they get pregnant. You don’t have a baby because it’s “cute”, you have a baby because you are completely willing to give up much of your free time, activities, and sleep to care for the child.
Like you said, children are not accessories.
May 10, 2008 at 1:49 pm. Permalink.
M54 replied:
Wow, I wish I had found this earlier in the day.
I hate to be such a synic but some people just don’t care. I mean, honestly, the most important person in their life is them!
Then there are those who look at another child as a check in the mail box.
If children got half the protection that little puppies or kittens get in this country we (and they) would be much better off!
Then look at what some parents let their daughters wear! How about some modesty girls! (I’ve got three okay, well four now with our “new kids”).
It’s a lot easier to be known as the strict dad than the dad who is never around.
And I know that mothers are the ones who usually do all or even most of the stuff with the kids but not always. You dads need to take some time off of work and go on a field trip. Go to school and eat lunch with your child… you know make them a priority, gosh even on the weekend. Maybe skip the golf course or something.
I’m sorry but this stuff just gets me going.
Just remember, there isn’t one single child out there that asked to be here and it’s our responsibiiity as the adults to make their lives as smooth, fun and filled with love as possible. Period!
May 13, 2008 at 1:39 am. Permalink.